How to Be a Better Listener: 10 Steps
Being a great listener is a major asset (whether you’re a therapist or not!). Research shows that:
People speaking with good listeners feel less socially anxious, more self-aware, and report greater clarity about their attitudes on certain topics.
People who receive active listening responses feel more understood than those who receive advice.
People who receive active listening responses find the conversation more satisfying and perceive the listener to be more socially attractive.
Speakers paired with good listeners develop less extreme/ one-sided attitudes than those speaking with poor listeners.
Managers who listen well generate more trust, instill higher job satisfaction in employees, and increase their team’s creativity.
Good listening is a two-way dialogue, rather than one person being silent while the other person speaks.
Good listeners don’t just passively absorb information; they actively support the other person and help amplify or clarify their thinking.
To be a better listener and conversation partner, use these 10 skills. The level of complexity increases as you go down the list, so start with the basics and go from there!
Clear away distractions. Place your phone face-down, close your laptop, silence your notifications, remove your headphones, and do anything else necessary to reduce disturbances. These efforts not only free up your attention but also signal to the other person that you are prioritizing your interaction with them.
Demonstrate listening through nonverbal behaviors, such as good eye contact, nodding your head, leaning forward without crossing your arms, and giving brief signs of understanding, such as saying, “Mhm.” Though the exact percentage of communication that is nonverbal is debated, it is consistently estimated to be above 50%.
Similarly, observe the other person’s nonverbal behaviors to better understand them. Pay attention to their eye contact, facial expressions, and body language. In other words, listen with your eyes in addition to your ears.
Listen without jumping to conclusions. Approach the dialogue with an attitude of curiosity and a desire to learn from the other person. Try to suspend your judgment while they’re speaking; this will make you more open-minded and apt to take in what the other person is saying.
Stay focused on the person without relating what they’re saying back to your life. When we listen to others, we naturally filter what they share through the lens of our own experiences. Try gently redirecting your attention back to the other person when that happens and avoid the impulse to respond to them with something about yourself.
Try to understand what the other person is feeling, and then validate and empathize with those feelings in a nonjudgmental manner. For example, “That does sound incredibly frustrating!”
Paraphrase what the other person has said. Reflecting back, or mirroring, what your conversation partner says demonstrates your attention and understanding and makes them feel heard.
Seek clarification when necessary. Being a good listener doesn’t mean never being confused. It’s impossible to be a good listener or conversation partner when you’re unsure of what’s being said, so ask for clarification when you feel lost.
Ask open-ended questions. Close-ended questions elicit one-word answers and don’t promote deeper exploration. Instead, ask questions that beg for descriptions or explanations, such as those beginning with “how.”
Don’t impose your solutions on the other person. However, research shows that when good listening has already been demonstrated, the speaker responds well to helpful suggestions. If you’ve managed to implement some of the above listening skills and your conversation partner is seeking your feedback, provide suggestions that you think would be helpful to them instead of satisfying your desire to share your own wisdom. You could even frame suggestions in the form of a question such as, “What would it be like if you did X?”
If you’re looking for a skilled listener to help you work through challenges or clarify beliefs and decisions, please feel free to contact us to schedule a complimentary consultation. We provide virtual therapy in Cambridge, Boston, New York City, and Connecticut.
