How to Comfort Your Partner When They’re Stressed
Living with a partner during COVID-19 can be…special. Although COVID has offered couples the opportunity to grow closer and more intimate, it has also been confining and burdensome to many. In the absence of outlets we typically use for dealing with stress (e.g., spin class, happy hour with coworkers, vacations), our stress now gets disproportionately dumped on those we live with.
COVID notwithstanding, a central role of relationships is to provide – and receive – comfort and support. This is easier said than done! Many of us did not grow up learning how to effectively comfort others, either because we did not observe our parents doing that for each other or because we did not feel adequately soothed ourselves. Striking a balance between providing and receiving support in a relationship is crucial for each partner’s well-being and satisfaction. Read on for some easy tips on comforting your partner when they’re stressed – without sacrificing your own needs.
· Do validate your partner. When people are in distress, they desire to feel heard and understood. “Validation” is a commonly used (and misused) buzzword, but its meaning is really quite simple. Validation doesn’t mean agreement or approval; it is merely an expression of understanding. There will be times you don’t agree with or approve of your partner’s stress, such as when you think they’re overreacting or being irrational. In moments of distress, though, people are not receptive to being called out for being unreasonable or illogical. They just want to feel heard. Once their emotions cool down, then they might be more open to seeing an alternative perspective. In moments of stress, reflect or mirror your partner's emotions with statements such as "I really feel for you. You haven't been able to catch a break in weeks."
· Don't minimize your partner's stressors or instruct them not to be stressed. Saying something such as "The mistake you made is not a big deal, so don't worry about it" invalidates your partner's distress and will probably amplify their emotions. Instead, draw them out by asking questions such as "What do you think will happen because of your mistake?" By doing so, you will make your partner feel heard while encouraging them to process their stress.
· Do put on your own oxygen mask first. If you are stressed, burnt out, or overwhelmed, you will not be able to effectively comfort others. Practice self-care first by seeking support for yourself, communicating your own needs to others, processing your emotions through mindfulness meditation or journaling, engaging in therapy, and doing activities that calm you, such as reading or cooking.
· Do ask your partner what they need. No matter how well you know your partner, you are not a mind-reader! Avoid swinging and missing by asking your partner how you can be most helpful or supportive in their time of stress. They might want to be heard, verbally comforted, physically comforted, distracted, or advised. Pay attention to patterns that emerge. For example, you might realize that your partner despises being touched or hugged when they are agitated. Take note of this preference for future application!
· Don't forget that you are a worthy person in the relationship. You and your partner might be simultaneously stressed, and you both deserve to be listened to and comforted. Don't forget to express your own needs, even if your partner is feeling stressed. One person's needs should not be attended to at the expense of the other's. For example, you might say, "I'm happy to edit your report if that will make you less stressed. But first, I'd really like your opinion on how to respond to an overwhelming email from my boss."
If you find yourself struggling to be there for others or yourself, therapy may help. Contact us for a complimentary consultation and let’s jumpstart your journey toward healthy and satisfying relationships. We are located in Cambridge, Massachusetts and provide virtual therapy in New York City, Connecticut, and Boston.
