Why You Shouldn’t Ignore Your Feelings
Throughout our lives, we receive countless messages about emotions, many of which paint our feelings as bad or useless. Oftentimes when we express feelings, we are made to feel guilty (“Why are you so upset when other people have it worse than you?”), ashamed (“Stop being a cry baby and man up”), or dramatic (“You’re making a big deal out of nothing”). The more we receive these messages, both personally and on a societal level, the more we villainize, invalidate, resent, and push aside our emotions. However, as anyone who has ever blown up at their spouse after a frustrating day at work knows, our emotions don’t just evaporate; they go somewhere. If we’re not acknowledging and processing moment-to-moment feelings, they become displaced (getting mad at one’s spouse instead of one’s boss) or transformed in some other, equally unhelpful, way.
If all this emotion talk feels too woo-woo or therapist-y, let’s come at it from another angle. At the risk of sounding extreme, our survival literally depends on emotions. Most feelings have actual evolutionary functions intended to promote the survival of the human species. For example, without anxiety and its accompanying adrenaline rush, our ancestors would have stood motionless and calm as they were charged by saber-toothed tigers. For those of you who curse your anxiety, know that it does and can serve an important purpose.
The function of fear and anxiety is to promote safety. Fear and anxiety are characterized by a surge of neurotransmitters (such as norepinephrine and adrenaline) that motivate us to action. Example: You’re walking down a quiet street at night and hear someone walking behind you. Your brain perceives there might be a threat to your safety, your sympathetic nervous system is activated, you feel a sense of fear or anxiety, and your body is mobilized to get out of there to maintain your safety.
The function of sadness is to promote community help and care. Experiencing loss can be isolating, which in turn makes life difficult for social animals such as humans. Example: Following the death of a loved one, a community comes together to support the bereaved.
The function of guilt is to maintain community and social connectedness. Our ancestors relied on their tribes for everything (food, protection, child rearing), and being estranged from their tribe would jeopardize their safety and survival. Example: If you screw over a friend, you might be shunned from your social group. However, if your guilt motivates you to apologize, your friend may forgive you and you will continue to maintain connection to your community.
The function of anger is to promote protection and motivation. The discomfort of anger signals to us that we need to do something to change our environment - and quickly. Example: You feel angry when you’re chronically yelled at and disparaged by your partner, and that anger motivates you to protect yourself by leaving that relationship.
If you can learn to honor the helpful and evolutionarily useful functions of your emotions, you’ll be less inclined to fight or deny them. If you want to better understand your emotions and use them to your advantage, get in touch with us to schedule a consultation! We provide virtual counseling in New York City, Boston, Cambridge, and Connecticut.
